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Recently, a friend mentioned on her blog that she was posting instead of working on her dissertation. In a sentence, that is the reason I left grad school. I found myself doing anything else rather than working on research. Beyond the inherent difficulty of working in an arcane field, what made it particularly objectionable to me were the increasingly narrow constraints on the kinds of analysis acceptable in the field of American politics within the discipline.
Through therapy I came to the conclusion that I wasn't depressed so much as I was unhappy in graduate school. From that conclusion it followed that I would in all likelihood continue to dislike being judged on my academic merits. I am much much happier being able to recreate free of guilt and the fear of being underprepared.
Recently, I started selling some of my schoolbooks on Amazon. I am keeping the ones I find interesting, a couple of bookshelves worth. The rest are providing me with some return of the capital I put into my education. In addition, with each book mailed at Media Mail rate with Delivery Confirmation, I feel a tiny piece of shame being removed from my sight in placed into my memory. One book (Tripp's A History of Iraq*), I went back and read. Hopefully there will be others.
With the passing of time, I appreciate more of the time I spent in Minnesota. But I understand now that I spent that time doing the wrong things. So two years into my new job and life, I am yearning to make up for that lost time by doing some motorcycle riding while I have the opportunity. I have the greatest admiration for my erstwhile classmates, those who have pressed on and are now gainfully employed as professors. I wish that I had come to know them better than I did. But I do not think for a moment that I would be the least bit happy doing what they do in their new positions.
* I just yesterday heard Tripp comment on the current Iraq crisis on NPR.
Posted by Underblog at January 11, 2008 6:07 AM
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