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May 28, 2005
Happy Birthday Lewis
Brother.
I think about you more often than usual when I make major life changes. You knew adventure, and you respected others who appreciated it. That is why I think you would have been an enthusiastic supporter of my going off to Dunsmuir and establishing Nutglade. And I think you would have really dug the fact that I returned for my BA at the age of 35. But the older I get, the harder it is for me to imagine you at your present age. You would be turning 49 now, and probably making plans for a 50th birthday celebration. France, right?
You were the white sheep of the family. Your ability to create the impression in us that we were the sibling with whom you felt a special affinity was remarkable. And since each of us felt closest to you, your passing left a huge hole. At least it did with me.
I learned a lot from you, and I never got the chance to repay the debt. I know you must have had your demons—something must be responsible for making you vote for Ronald Reagan—but in general you did an awfully good job of keeping them hidden. I wish only that I had known you long enough or well enough to know what they were and see how you would deal (or were dealing) with them. The most apparent demon I suppose was watching your young and athletically fit body being ravaged by an aggressive cancer. That demon superseded all others, as near as I could tell.
I have to say that two decades of practice has not made it any easier for me to answer the innocuous question "How many brothers and sisters do you have?" It doesn't seem right to say "three" and thus deny the existence of the sibling with whom I most identified—the only one whom I thought I was perhaps capable of understanding. On the other hand, answering "four" with the caveat that one died back when I was living in my Rambler brings Death into a conversation which might otherwise include "What is your favorite color?" or "In which city were you born?" It seems rude, especially in the context of a group of people.
From time to time, I feel your spirit. Aside from the life-transition occasions, I feel it most when I do the things I enjoy most: paddling and camping (you are our family's most accomplished and storied voyageur); motorcycling (I shall never forget your giving me rides on your mini-bike in the Valley—you would place me in front of you and put my hands on the handlebars); learning and speaking foreign languages; flirting; appreciating and creating graphic design; dabbling in entrepreneurship; soccer, skiiing, and tennis. For my enjoyment of these things, I thank you. For my inability to share them with you, I miss you.
Love,
Brother
Posted by Underblog at May 28, 2005 6:42 AM
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Comments
Of course I am in tears now but so grateful for your words. May 28 will always be his day and I still miss him so much. The age thing is hard -- I can see him as a gaunt and pale 27, a teenager, and the baby with his first steps, teaching me about how growth happens with falls and triumphs --- but as one approaching 50??? Woukd we all go to France??? But the fact remains -- he was so important to all of us and I still feel him in my present time as well. I know he would cheer you on always in any choice you make because he loved you so much.
Posted by: Mom at May 28, 2005 11:23 AM
I am also in tears, Eric. You express this beautifully. I am printing it out for Tom...he shares this experience with you and will appreciate how you've managed to express those lasting emotions. Thank you.
Posted by: Neighbor Deb at May 29, 2005 9:41 AM